So you are a relatively minor company of whom we are inexplicably fond. You put out a press release once a week and nobody really gives a shit except for us. We work closely with you to make news lemonade out of the shittiest lemons you lob our way, because, y’know, we understand you’re important to some of our readers and we want to make that effort for you. Then something...
could you look a little more like this
Sooo, if you are giving game demos under embargo before E3, your execs are giving interviews under embargo before E3 because they are not actually going to be there, you are livestreaming your press conferences, and we have seen under NDA everything you are going to announce next week… ….We need to drag our asses all the way to Los Angeles for what, now? Oh yeah, to avail ourselves...
Why, why, why do you make us receive a separate badge to go to your press conference? Our E3 badge says ‘Media.’ Isn’t that good enough? If it’s not MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TREATING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING KID WITH A BLOG AS IF THEY ARE MEDIA
WE CAME TO E3 TO SEE PLATFORM HOLDERS AND MAJOR CONSOLE ANNOUNCEMENTS. NO, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR BROWSER BASED FREE-TO-PLAY MMO ABOUT ROLLERSKATING. PLZ FACE REALITY.
Friday, June 11 is not the time to seek E3 appointments from us. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
Do not invite us to your event, make us play your game, invite us to download and process all of your assets and prepare a preview if you are going to suddenly give the exclusive to a useless two-bit mainstream print publication, thereby rendering hours of our work useless. That’d be nice.
enough with the tiny fucking food. we hate events where people circulate with plates that are always almost always empty, and where the waiter seems to be offering the tray to everyone near us, but never TO us. seriously, is a full-size hamburger or a couple of pizzas any more expensive than like, some tuna on skewers? also how are we supposed to ‘network’ while holding a dirty...
Don’t ask us to “post your release.” We will decide whether or not we want to cover your announcement, but most of us aren’t fucking wire services. You could at least pretend you realize that. And for the love of god, don’t call us to find out why your “release wasn’t posted.” It’s because it was boring, ace.
do not pester us for a prebrief on your stupid social media new hire under unspecified embargo date and then when we relent and send you the email questions you asked for, immediately release your announcement without answering them. contrary to your delusional fantasy, this will not make us do two news stories about your client; actually, it will make us do none.
right way to get us to go to your preview event: plan a low key open bar evening downtown where we can play your games. wrong way to get us to go to your preview event: force us to choose an appointment slot downtown in the middle of our workday.
when we have taken an interest in an especially lame announcement for some peculiar, subtle reason, even though you decided to place it under an embargo for no real reason, and when we are corresponding with you for the prebrief, do not move the embargo to july freaking fourth. we ain’t working then, ace.
when you prebrief us under embargo, give us a date and then move it the day before, you’ve fucked up our editorial schedule. why are you prebriefing if you’re not even sure when you’re going to be announcing?
if you ask us to observe an embargo, we will, no matter what you’re announcing. but needlessly slapping NDAs on your press releases will not fool us into thinking your announcement is more newsworthy than it is.
more than a week out is too long to contact journalists for announcements under embargo. in a week you will be at the bottom of our inboxes and we’ll forget. if it’s something so important as to warrant a prebrief, at least act like there’s a sense of urgency.
do you *really* think we’re going to print those quotes when you’ve packed them with nothing but self-masturbation? save the marketing copy for the release and let the execs say something that’s actually interesting.
pronouncing our names correctly and spelling them correctly at least gives the impression that you are somewhat familiar with the person you supposedly think is a good candidate to cover your client.
don’t thank us for a good review. it makes us feel weird, because we didn’t do it for you. we did it because that’s what we thought, so don’t mistake.
you don’t like the review — sorry. but getting haughty and behaving as if you’ve been personally affronted can have no effect but to make us spread talk about how the company is difficult and a primadonna. the review is not a pact between you and us to help you sell games. get it through your head.
if we want to ask your client a question and you blow us off enough, we’ll eventually assume your client is as arrogant toward and neglectful of our audience as you are toward us.
we appreciate your help arranging a conference call, and we understand that you have to attend. but we’re interviewing your client, not you, so quit paraphrasing everything he says and interrupting for our ‘benefit.’
whether or not you can spell or use grammar doesn’t come much to bear on whether or not we write up the press release you sent. it does, however, make us laugh at you, and at your client by association.
i’m not interested means ‘i’m not interested.’ if you reply with extra enthusiasm and insistence it might change the answer — to ‘i’m not interested and you’re annoying.’
if we have an interview with your major client on an acquisition under NDA and you’ve suddenly changed the embargo time or left out a crucial detail and you cannot reach your contact, it is okay to leave him a voice mail and then call everyone else you know that he works with. if you sent us an email asking if we want to interview your client’s community manager about an exciting new...
it is inadvisable to pitch an irreverent community outlet on your CFO’s promotion, and it is similarly inadvisable to pitch a trade paper on your community wallpaper contest.
you cannot entirely control the message. when you won’t even work with us to verify a fact, that’s just stupid.
we understand why you sometimes need to send form emails, but when the salutation field contains someone else’s name, that’s just lame.
putting out a press release about your exciting new social networking start-up, your dev tool new version beta or the parental controls to your TV license tie-in browser game during E3 is a really, really bad idea.
please do not call us after 5:30 unless we have asked you to. we very well may be working later than that, but don’t assume. you should also know what time zone we are in — where an editor is based is basic.
no. we will not change the score for you.
go ahead; try to dictate to us what the angle of our article will be. we’ll still write about whatever we want, and then we also won’t want to work with you again.
don’t tell us about how much of a gamer your executive client is. we’ll ask him.
leave it up to us whether to be your social pal or not. unsolicited non-work-related email, facebook gifts and hang-out invitations just seem smarmy.
the frosted gel spikes do not make you look fun. they make you look like a douche.
if you are going to suggest that our readership would ‘be really interested’ in your client’s game, it would be good for you know who our readership is.
if you MUST telephone, for the love of god, leave a goddamn voicemail. nothing is more annoying than seeing the phone ring the same number several times during the day.
if we are coming to your PR firm’s happy hour mixer, we are coming for the free booze, not because we are your friend. we are not interested in doing work while drinking after 5, so you will not get any stealth networking accomplished, either.
we are not your bro.
before you email us a pitch for something that would fit great in our holiday gift guide, it would be good to check and make sure our publication actually does holiday gift guides.
yes, we saw your email. we saw it and are ignoring it because we are either busy or disinterested. if you call a few hours later to “make sure we saw” it, then we will be busy, disinterested and also annoyed with you.
please don’t call us on the phone. we are writers, so write us.
please do not reference my supposed sex appeal in your pitch email.